Everynight I burn, everynight I call your name.

Here's a religious allegory I wrote a while back in Poetry class. There's been alot of talk about God and creation, and beliefs lately. Thinking about it, its really hard to know how to put what I believe into words. Will called it, "Apathetic Agnositicism" which is admitting that I dont have any answers, and that no matter what I'm probably never going to know, so why worry about it.
Anyway, Poem goes like this:

After school special

I once raised my hand in Sunday school,
Only it was Wednesday, because I was catholic.
I asked the teacher about Jesus walking on water,
And why he didn’t just go around, like everyone else
had to, combing the beaches.
She replied, “My son, if the good lord had intended
Us to walk, he wouldn’t have invented roller skates.”
She looked at me with a smug look of authoritative satisfaction,
And turned back to her desk. When she did,
I threw another fish at her.


Can't remember if I posted that one up here before, but I've been thinkin' about it lately.
I guess alot of my problems with religion and faith come from the fact that I was raised Catholic for the first ten years of my life. Anyone that was raised Catholic will know what I mean.
It's the most automotronic and strictest of all the sects of Christianity. The sermons and prayers at service are so robotic and uniform that its scary. Another thing that kind of changed how I felt about faith and religion was that when my father died, my mom started taking me and my brother and sister around town to whatever "church was the prettiest", not caring what denomination it was. I guess one could view this as good or bad. It was good, because it opened me up to how all people practice their faith, and made me realize that we arent all that different. The problem I had was that, I just didnt feel the way the people around me felt about it. It just didnt sit right with me. I think alot of my dissatisfaction came from noone being able to explain to me that if God was all loving and all caring, how bad things could happen to good people. I know its supposed to be "God testing us" or whatever, but that just doesnt seem right. While I do feel that there is some higher power up there, watching over us, I think he/she is sort of like a figurehead dictator. He's there, and he sees everything that's going on, and everyone comes to him with their problems, but he has no real power to change it.
I guess my real problem is more of a personal one, a selfish one, in that I went through so much shit growing up, I lost my faith that God was listening somewhere along the way, as the pain and the suffering never got any better. I guess my loss of faith also has led to my general distrust in the inherent goodness of people. Its taken alot of time for me to build that back up within my self, and I still have my moments where the wall cracks, and I burst.
Upon further thinking, there is one thing that over the last few years has been the one true and good thing that one can have faith in with their lives: Their friends.
Not just any friends, but your true friends. The ones that are always there for you, no matter what. The ones that understand you and your ups and downs, never judging who you are or stunting your growth as a person. Not just someone who says they are your friend, but shows it in ways that are so incredibly hard to describe.
These are the people I have faith in, not some omnipotent being that I can't see or touch or feel around or inside of me. Not one that hasn't been there for me, when others have been.
Anyway, kinda went off on a rant there didn't I? I think I'm done, but I could probably go on longer if I wanted to....
No, I'm done.
Any questions for me about this...just ask and i'd be happy to share.

-Bren out